Sleeping To Dream

2010-05-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

You're right. I don't know what we were thinking trying to go into a relationship that's in high school. Sure, I'm aware our relationship is completely different as compared to an average relationship in high school, I mean, we're not dating out of lust. We're not dating each other because it's cool, or because we're looking for a hookup. If we were, we wouldn't be dating each other, let alone, in a long distance relationship. You made a comment today that really made me think. We want two completely different lifestyle choices. You're not the kind of girl who's willing to let go of her dreams to grasp a hold of love. Which, I'm not bashing you for, you have every reason to do that, you're young and you need to get your life together. But...we grow up, and go to college, then what? It's easy to have a relationship now, we're only in high school, we wake up, go through 8 hours of hell and come home to talk to each other, because, quite frankly, we're not old enough to have a real life. What happens when we are? I mean, you're a very smart girl. You're going to get accepted into a good college, and you're gonna start your life journey and get a dorm and get a job and make new friends in a new location doing God knows what. Now, I'm not saying I don't trust you, because I really do believe we could make it work if you were to do that. I mean, we made a year long relationship work without even seeing each other, we could probably do that. I don't know if I like that, though. I mean, I love you...more then anything. But, if you're allowed to go off and do what you want in life, then so should I. And having a girl who wants to go off and do her own thing isn't really my type, unfortunately. I have a vision of seeing my girlfriend all the time, maybe even having an apartment together or going to college together. Long distance is hard, I wasn't planning on keeping it that way for very much longer. I've never had a girlfriend in which I could kiss her everyday and hang out with her all the time, and that's what I want more then anything. If you're too busy going off and fulfilling your life, then there's no time for that. And I want a girl who is going to make time for it. I'm really scared and nervous and pissed off at the fact there's two perfectly healthy, loving kids who just wanna be together but can't under complicated circumstances. It sucks, but it's a part of life that some people are mis-fortunate enough to encounter. I guess I'm just rambling, I should really enjoy what we have now and just go with it and face the problems head-on once we arrive at that destination of life. I tend to think too much, therefore I over analyze everything resulting in a disaster of thoughts.

2010-03-28T16:34:00.001-07:00

Surprisingly, everything turned out just fine.
I'm glad things with Kati didn't work out. Honestly, I think my lust for her was blinding what truly matters.
What was I thinking? I'm not looking for a hookup, I'm looking for a girl who I can trust, and I girl who I love being around 24/7. Nicolette was that girl, she always has been, and she always will be.
I'm excited to see her this week. I'm nervous, but that's natural.
I'm going to work really hard trying to make EVERYTHING with her as perfect as it can.
I will not let her go.
I just pray this week turns out as expected.

2010-03-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

Is it so hard to just ask for a good life?
Why do bad things always get set off? Everything around me constantly crumbles and shatters into pure nothing.
This life sucks, it’s not worth it.
This world has nothing good to offer.
People cheat, lie, back stab, and they break promises.
But, more importantly, they let you down.
They see you falling, and they pull their arms away, so they can laugh at your pain as your body breaks your fall.
They watch you cry, and they tease you. They watch you unleash anger, and get scared. They see you grow, they see you die. Eyes are always watching, constantly in a crowd of agony.
This life is nothing to me. The people here are nothing to me. Nothing but past and future memories that will slowly slip from my grasp as time catches up to me.
I am nothing.
A big mess of nothing.

2010-03-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

Hm... I think I'm done with you.
You got really drunk last night and then the next morning you told me you loved me and wanted to work things out. Later on, you went back to normal, and that's that. I called it, and that's why I hate you, and that's why I'm so bitter towards you.
You're worthless, you're shit to me. I don't ever wanna get close to you again.
I'm not coming to see you in Spring Break, I just lie to you when you ask, because that'd be awkward. I'm slowly trying to kick you out of my life, I wanna pretend as if you never existed. I wanna pretend there is no girl as good as you out there.
I've been going on dates with this girl Kati. I really like it, but it's so hard to even try to ask her out, because I still want you. But, you're not good for me...I just need to get over you.

While you were out getting drunk, Kati and I were cuddling on her couch, watching movies, with an ordered pizza, because her parents were out of town.
She tried to kiss me....she was kissing my neck...
I just couldn't....I felt bad turning her down. It didn't seem like she cared all too much. She knows about you...she knows I'm still hurt from what you did. She talks trash about you a lot...
Sometimes I join in, sometimes I defend you..
I don't know where I'm going with this.
I love you, but I wish you were how you used to be. You used to blow off plans just to spend time with me...that's the kinda stuff we need to do. But we both got lives, and this got impossible.
You're impossible.
I'll try moving on..

2010-03-09T10:17:00.000-08:00

Wow, funny thing happened.
So, I met this girl named Elaina, and she's just like Nicolette's twin, I swear.
Tan skin, black hair, extremely cute, nice, funny, smart....everything.
I'm excited to get to know her better, she's such a sweetheart. I really hope things between us work out.
But, on the other hand, a part of me desperately wants Nicolette back. I'm still in love with her, I know. And it won't feel right dating another girl.
But, there's nothing I can do. It's almost been a month. She's not cracking, she's a strong girl. She's moving on...so I need to try to do it, too.

I'm going out with Elaina in about an hour.
We're going to go swimming and play putt-putt and stuff like that.
Things I used to dream of doing with Nicolette.
I hope everything really works itself out.

Until later, Blogspot.

What now?

2010-03-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

I desperately need to move on, this is getting really pathetic on my part.
Which is funny, because I've always been one to have a lot of pride. So, you'd think I would have left a long time ago.
I think I need too, soon. I just don't know how? I think I've tried a lot of things already. I might make a list of things to attempt, and just try each one individually and see if any of them work.

I don't wanna be in love, anymore. Besides the fact I always feel vulnerable and awkward because I'm the only one with the feelings like that. And now, I feel I'm just bugging her at this point. That's the last thing I want.

Ugh, why does this have to be so hard and confusing? I don't know what to do, now.
Do I just stand aside and wait till we meet, and just hope for the best? If I do that, she's just gonna go out and do shit. She'll get over me, soon. I give it two more weeks.

People say that everyone has a twin somewhere on this earth. Someone who looks and acts like you. I wanna find that twin of hers.
Maybe she'll be better.

Forget This.

2010-03-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

What the hell is your problem you stupid slut?
You think it's okay to just date a guy for a year, fall in love with him, then break up with him out of nowhere on Valentines Day, and that's it? Nothing is left?
You go out, you party, you dance, you drink, and now you're hanging out with guys and almost getting kissed.
Yeah, must be nice, asshole.
Don't mind me, I'm just a mess over here, using all my strength just not to think of you.
I wanna fucking kill you, you piss me off so much.
You're a heartless bitch.
I hope you enjoy all these guys you're getting. One must not have been good enough for you.

Why do I keep going back to you? You're not gonna date me again. You're never going to have feelings for me. Don't sit there and say "Yeah, well, anything can happen." Because I'm not stupid. I'm not.
I know I'm not good with relationships, but I'm not completely clueless with them.
I know when I'm being taken for granted. And it's a horrible feeling.
Isn't it enough that you broke me as a person? But now you have all this shit on top of it to make me feel even worse. Give me a reason why I should waste my time and go see you? Give me a reason.
Because, how I see it, this is how it's going to go.

1. We'll meet, and I'll think you look amazing, and you were worth everything. While you would think "Eh, he's okay. Not what I expected."

2. I'd take you out to dinner and we'd hang out, and I'd be having the time of my life, because the wait was so worth it. Meanwhile, you'd probably be praying for time to go by faster.

3. At the end of the day, I'd be lucky to get a kiss on the cheek. But I'd still be happy. Because I met you.
Later that night, you'd tell me you wanna be friends. And that'll be that. My Spring Break would be ruined.

That's how it's gonna go. I know it.
Just admit it, you're better. You're prettier, you're more talented, you deserve better.
Yes, I know. I'm not stupid. I knew this from the start. Do you understand why I thought I was lucky? Because I had somebody I would normally not be able to get. And this hurts. This is killing me.
I try to ignore you, I try to get over you.
But it doesn't. Fucking. Work.
What do I have to do? Do I have to kill myself just to relieve the pain?
Do I have to go out and be a man-whore and party and make out with as many drunk girls as I can, to get my mind off of you? Tell me what to do, because I seriously have no clue. And this is getting ridiculous.

Gotta' Let It Burn.

2010-03-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

This will never feel right with me. And it will never feel right until you're back where you belong.
I know this is coming to an end, and it's better for me to let go now, then hold on and hurt us both.
But, this is coming from my heart. I love you. I really do, and of course you know that. Of course it's not awkward, we've done this for a year. It's different this time. This is the first time we've broken up without you shedding a tear. This is the longest we've been apart since I left you.

I know I hurt you....I hurt you so bad. I can barely remember what exactly you went through, and what exactly I said to you. My mind was on other things. But, God...I cry just thinking about the pain you must have gone through. I held another girl. I held her hand, and shared memories with her. Something that you're not even doing....I've done worse to you.
But, after I came back to you, I promised myself I'd never leave you for good. And that's a promise I still hold today. You're the one who left....not me.
And I know you don't care. I know you're not affected by it. Things within you changed. Romance faded, and your heart is different.

I'm afraid to lose you to someone else. I hate the thought of someone else having you, except me. You don't understand how special you are....how amazing you are. I'd be jealous to know another guy has you. You're too good to give up. And I'll fight any guy that tries taking you from me.
I know this is your decision....I'm still over-protective with you. It's not healthy.

I just wish...God answered this one prayer of mine. Growing up and praying, he rarely ever answered my prayers...I lose hope a lot. But, if God were to answer ANY prayer I've ever prayed, it'd be this one. I want you...so bad....
I miss you....so much....
I just...I feel lost without you. I don't know what to do without you. I often times find myself just sitting here looking at my screen. Those would have been the times we'd be cuddling in bed together. Now that it's gone... I have nothing. No hope, no happiness, nothing. Just depression. I know that's pathetic, but I guess that's what happens when you lose the person you're in love with.

I don't know.... I just hope something might change. I want you. I need you. Without you, I don't know who I am. And that's the God honest truth.

I'll continue to pray.
That's the only option I have left.

2010-02-28T16:31:00.000-08:00

I am nothing more than a whisper in the wind.
I have no importance, and I have no identity.
I take the weight of the world onto my shoulders, only for my knees to give out.
I have lost every person that meant something to me. And I will continue to lose people, because my life is nothing more than a never ending torment.
We spend our whole lives trying to find ourselves, and escape reality, but I am stuck in a cycle of disappointment.
I often times lay awake at night, wondering what my life would be like if I was someone else. I wonder what it’d be like if I wasn’t trapped in my own skin, if one day I woke up, to be someone of high importance, someone who always got miracles in their life.
I’ll never know. I’ll spend the rest of my life in wonder and curiosity.
I live and accept this life God granted me with.
Whether I like it or not, I am stuck in this skin. I am stuck having to see the world behind this pair of hazel eyes.
I am myself, and I couldn’t hate it any more.

2010-02-27T14:37:00.000-08:00

"I love you very much. I think out of everyone I know. I love you the most. I care for you so much it hurts. You're on my mind from time to time. And little things throughout the day remind me of you. There isn't a day I won't think about you. But it's not like before. I'm not day dreaming about you.. I don't think I could do that.. It'd be weird.. I like talking to you and I love your company. Is till like laughing with you and being gay with you. I still love your singing. And your voice is still attractive to me. I still think you're super cute and smart and charming. But I couldn't share the romantic things we used to do anymore with you. Yet, I'd like to meet you and kiss you and hold you. I feel like I need to meet you in person. Because the romance is fading."

And that's that. We're done, we're over. We'll never be the same again. This hurts so much, but I need to get over you. I can't believe this is happening, I never in my life expected this to happen. I'm suffering from confusion and whiplash. And it's killing me. But, that's it.
I'm crying really hard right now. And this will be the last time I cry over you. This is it. These tears are my final goodbyes. I will not be lovey, I will not fall asleep with you on the phone, I will not watch movies with you, I will not ever talk to you again how I used to talk to you. It's done.
I'm thankful for the times I had with you. I'm thankful for you being my first love. I'm thankful for the good and bad times. I'm thankful for everything about you. Everything.
After this, I will pick back up the shattered pieces I have, and continue my life. A new chapter begins, tonight. I will do things I told myself I will never do. I will try things I've never done. I will find myself and escape the labyrinth.

Your new boyfriend better treat you right. He better hold you when you need him. He better sleep with you on the phone when you're scared. I know how much you like that.
He better call you babe and baby, and be extremely cute. He better support you and inspire you and lift your spirits when you're feeling down. This guy better play guitar or sing. I always day dreamed about playing the guitar for you quietly while you tried to sleep. I hope he does that for you. I want him to craddle you in his arms all night, and kiss the your forehead while you guys watch a movie, so you can start to drift. I want him to do EVERYTHING I'd ever do, for you. He better...

You just got my package, and I couldn't even stay on the phone with you. My tears are blocking my vision. I can barely type without making a mistake. These last tears are for you. They're all for you...
I hope one day, you'll find yourself. I hope one day you'll be happy with absolutely everything in your life. Every little problem you had when we were together, I hope you work out with yourself. I want you to grow up and get married, and have beautiful kids with the guy you love, and have a good job, and a amazing house. I want you to be close to your mom, and all your family. I want you to have a perfect life.

You will go out tonight. And you will drink. You will text me and try to be lovey, like you usually are. I will block your number without telling you. And we'll never talk again.
Tonight, I will attempt to go to a real party for once in my life. I will attempt to get drunk for the first time in my life. If it really cures depression like everyone says it does, I will find out. And it will be my best friend.

This is my final goodbye....I think I've said everything I wanted too. I love you so much. Please, don't ever forget me. Never forget my love for you. Never forget we were each others firsts...
I love you, angel..

Thank you, God.

2010-02-25T12:08:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to feel a lot better. I don't think I'll break down, anymore.
We were talking over AIM last night, and you mentioned that we're not over. We're just going through something difficult. But, you said we'll never be finished, because we fit perfectly. I couldn't agree with you any more, and I've been waiting forever for you to say that to me. I really do have faith that we'll be okay. There's not a doubt in my mind that we won't be together. I know we will.
We're perfect for each other, and I know you realize it.

We were fixing each others' Valentines day boxes last night. I sent yours out today.
You wanted to draw something for me, so I let you go, and I went to go lay down and watch tv. You told me you'd call when you were finished. And, you did. But, unfortunately, I was asleep.
I awoke randomly around 5am, and text you apologizing, and letting you know that I wanted to fall asleep with you. 10 seconds later, you called me. At 5 in the morning. The first thing you said is "We still have two hours." Cutest thing ever....I love you so much...
I remember telling you how badly I wanted to stay on the phone with you on a school night, until we had to get out of bed. And we finally did last night. I woke up around 7am, to hear you snuggling in your sheets, and sighing slightly. So perfect..
I repeated your name over and over, hoping to wake you up, to tell you Good morning, and that I love you. But, you're so stubborn, you fell back asleep. It was cute, though.
I hung up with you, and continued my day.
I just got home from sending your package at the post office, and now I'm awaiting for you to get home. Maybe we can talk on the phone earlier. We'll see.

You just make me so happy.
You're my life.

2010-02-24T11:48:00.001-08:00

Today was hard for me. Harder then yesterday, for sure. Because, now this is starting to hit me while I'm at school.
Last night was almost like heaven for me. I haven't heard your voice all day, and I finally got to hear you say some words. You fell asleep after your first sentence, but that's okay. Maybe I can get a paragraph out of you, tonight. I missed listening to you whisper because of you being so sleepy. It's the cutest thing to me. I was just smiling for a long time while I was on the phone with you. And then I finally drifted off to sleep. You woke me up around 4am, because you flipped over in your bed, and let out all these amazing little noises. It startled me. Then I remembered who I was with...who I was talking too...and it calmed all my nerves.
We haven't talked since last night. Barely texting...it's hard, because I'm so used to the feeling of excitement when expecting your texts around lunch time. I don't get them, anymore. There's no excitement these days.
School was hard... I missed you a lot. I often times found myself day dreaming about what you were doing, or what guy is on your mind, or who you're talking too, or even the plans you were planning, that you don't fill me in on, anymore.
I was depressed the whole morning. Then when lunch time came, Dustin wasn't at school to get my mind off of you. Dangerous Territory.
I was in line to get some chicken nuggets and some mashed potatoes. My favorite school lunch.
But, my hunger went away when I heard "Never Say Never" by The Fray, come on the radio while I was standing in line. Instantly I was reminiscing on our past memories from the summer.
I remember being so hot, I'd open my window, and let the cool summer breeze flow through, and fill up my room. I remember complaining to you how hot it was, and every time I told you I took my shirt off, you'd make some cute, flirty remark. Then, when you took your shirt off, I'd do the same for you. I remember laying in bed until 6am. There was no such thing as goodnight for us during the summer. Only good mornings. I remember talking to you in bed, while listening to the radio. You used to get a little angry and jealous and be like "Baby, please pay attention to me." And if I didn't, you'd pout. And when I asked you what was wrong, you'd reply "You're paying more attention to your stupid radio then your baby." And it was the cutest thing.
After that memory faded, I found out I had tears in my eyes. Oh, how the pain struck my heart.
I sat at the lunch table by myself, and picked at my food. I wasn't hungry, anymore.
I remember telling you about this girl who goes to my school who looks so much like you. Her name is also Nicky. It's ironic, right?
She was shooting me looks from the other table. Maybe out of curiosity because I was sitting by myself. Maybe because she thought I looked cute, today. Or maybe she just thought I was weird. Whatever the reason, it made me miss you more. I picture you looking at me like that.. but, in a cute way. In a "Babe, what are you doing?!" kinda way. Maybe the way you'd look the moment before I ran towards you, and slung you over my shoulder, playfully. Your eyes would be popped, because you were awaiting the moment.
That made my eyes water even more.
Disgusted, I threw away my lunch and went to Anatomy. Today, we went to the computer lab. I had to do a project about Nose Jobs. It's not due until Monday, so I ignored it. Out of curiosity, I checked to see if Tumblr worked. Surprisingly, it did. So, I spent most of my hour on there. Me, being stupid, decided to go to your account. Just to stare at that little picture of you in the corner. That little picture of this amazingly beautiful girl in a little dress and a scarf. With big eyes, magnificent lips, and hair more smooth and dark the a eerie midnight sky.
I teared up again. I exited it out, and played some children games for the rest of the hour. Anything to get my mind off of you.
This is killing me. My day has completely ruled over me. It's all about you, now.
And it always will..

As I walk through the hall, my mind blocks out the faces of every girl I ever thought was attractive. There's no such thing as being attractive, anymore. There's no such thing as "Another girl" There's just you. And it's always going to be....you.

So, maybe it's true. That I can't live without you.
And maybe two is better then one.
But, there's so much time to figure out the rest of my life.
And you've already got me coming undone.
And I'm thinking two is better then one.

What Happened?

2010-02-23T12:52:00.000-08:00

I don't know what happened between us....we're done. And I can't accept that. I need you more then anything, I love you more then anyone, I just want you. I want all of you. But you don't want me, and that hurts more then anything. I finally understand the pain I put you through when I left you a few months ago. And I'm so sorry. I cry just thinking about it. This pain is unbearable. Every little thing you do or say makes me cry...and it's getting so bad, I just miss you so much..
It's hard for me to fall asleep on the phone with you....because I do it out of love, and you're doing it as friends. And it hurts..
I cried last night while you were sleeping on the phone. I was crying so hard, because of all those little noises and sighs you make when you take that last gasp of air before drifting off. It kills me to know one guy, one day, will get to hear those sounds. Those were my sounds...passing the lips I owned, coming from the girl that was mine. You were all mine.
I fell asleep on the phone with a different girl last night. I cried again. Quietly this time, I didn't want to worry her. But her laugh sounds just like yours...and every joke she said seems like a joke that would have been said by you. I can picture us laying down in bed...with your head rested on my chest, and my fingers twirling and playing with your hair, just laughing like we promised each other we'd do. But, it won't.
You get so bitter towards me when I try to talk it out with you...all you wanna do is drink and party. You've already danced with other guys. You moved on so fast, and I'm getting whiplash. I'm staying up all night crying, and sleeping in school through the day. Mostly dreaming of you.
My eyes would be red from crying, and black circles from the lack of rest I get from the night before. People would tell me I looked like I was dying....well, I am. I'm dying without you. Nothing feels right without you by my side. Nothing feels right without something to look forward too. You were everything I looked forward too. I remember the feeling of excitement I'd feel just to know I was coming home, and we'd have a date, to just lay in bed and talk to each other. You never know what you have until it's gone....but now, I just want things back. I'm so scared you'll never want me back. I'm so scared you'll find someone else. You already like another guy. Maybe more. Maybe you're just sparring my feelings, and hiding a lot from me. Maybe you already kissed a guy or held hands with him. I want to be your first with everything. I want to be your first with everything. But, you don't want it, anymore. You don't want me.
I'm praying this is just a phase. Kind of like the time I left you for another girl. It was just a phase. And you waited for me for over a month. And it's barely been a week with me, and I already feel dead on the inside. You took my heart with you, wherever my old girlfriend went. She has my heart. And she's not gonna give it back. I'm never gonna date again, unless I can have you. I will not get over this. This is not temporary. I feel like I just lost my wife whom I've been with for years. I feel like I came home from work, ready to take you out for a night on the town, only to find you packing your stuff. This just hurts so much.
I was reading your old writing. You have a blog of all the writing you did when I left you...I cried reading the whole thing. I read every post. There were posts calling me your boyfriend....so casually...like, it was instinct. And all the posts about how much you love me, and how you'll always be there for me, and you'll never hurt me, and we'll be together forever.
And I'm trying to keep this together for you. I don't want to come off as weak. But, I can't for much longer. I'm falling apart, and I need you back in my life.

Come back, baby, please....because, we belong together....

2010-02-15T14:22:00.000-08:00

You hurt me a lot last night on the phone.
You had a friend over, and we haven't talked on the phone all day. You called me a couple times and I ignored you because I was watching a movie. Before I went to sleep, I text you and told you Goodnight, and that I loved you. You called me, and we talked for a few minutes. You forgot to tell me you love me on the phone...so I kept calling you and get a hold of you. You got mad at me, and called me clingy...that we weren't even dating anymore, so leave you alone because you're trying to sleep. You called me annoying, and you laughed at me for being so pathetic. Than you hung up on me and left me there to cry by myself all night.
I've.....rarely ever done that to you....and especially now, I can't ever think to do it to you...
We're in love, why do you need space? Why do you care if I'm clingy? Shouldn't two people who are in love like that? You treat me like we're an average couple doomed for breakup soon.
I know we're not...there's no way, it can't be. Why would you throw me away? Why would you throw our future away? So you can make memories? Because you're young and you wanna go out and have fun? You're basing your life the wrong way....you're not looking at it right...
You have the rest of your life to make memories and have fun....there's not much you can do when you're 15, anyways. There's more important things to deal with right now....and I don't know why you keep pushing me away....I would never do that to you....
It hurts so much. I'm not eating. I'm shutting everyone else around me out of my life. You're all that's interesting to me. I lost interest in everything else.
You used to be like this, too....you just recently changed....and this is a bad combination...
A young, Christian boy who is straight edge, lovey, clingy, and selfish..
With a young girl who barely believes in God, wants space, wants to drink and party and make memories with everyone else except me...
God, I just miss you so much, Nicolette...
I'll never forget coming home and laying in bed with you for hours just talking on the phone...laughing, making jokes at each other.
Those were the times I was comfortable to love. Now I'm just nervous, because you're slipping from me...and I'm trying everything I can to hold on...
Common sense tells me to let you go and find someone else, but my heart won't let you go. And my mind won't give me to opportunity to attempt to do so. Two against one.
I don't know what to do anymore....I know you're under stress, and lately you just wanna hang out with your family and friends....I don't know what the feeling feels like...
You don't understand..

My Dad died when I was 13. The age where I was interested in girls, and was wanting to go out and try different things...
His death led me into a depression, where I pushed everyone away...
And now, a few years later, it stayed with me.
When I find a girl who I trust...who I open up too.....I rely on her....she's apart of me..
And losing her brings tears to my eyes, because the pain of losing my Dad comes back...and I'm not good with losing people..
You've become so important to me. I would take a bullet for you. I would give everything I have to just hold you.
I'd sell my soul to the Devil just to spend the night with you.
You don't understand what I feel....because you're too busy and careless to talk about it....and it's eating me alive...

I just love you. And I'm willing to do ANYTHING to be with you.
I will not let this go to waste.

2010-02-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

Honestly....I don't know what your problem is, anymore. You treat me like shit, I constantly feel like you use me, and you always act like you're too busy to spend time with me. Your life isn't that important....I know you're stressed, and I know you have family issues going around, but that's no excuse for how you're acting. I've never treated you like this....not once. I never refused to talk to you on the phone for a week because "I have things that I need to do" when really, you just sit on the computer all day. All you do is take pictures. I support you to an extent, but when you constantly push me back, in order to make time for Flickr and Tumblr, I lose so much respect for you. And it's sad....it's really sad, because I love you more then anything in this life. And no matter how many times you say you can, you just can't see it....you refuse to see it, and it hurts. A lot.

We've been together for a year....a year of constant struggle, jealousy, boy/girl issues, school, family troubles.....a year through all of that. We met. We fell in love. And now we're responsible for each other. My Uncle got offered a job in Connecticut 40 minutes from you, when he was all the way down in North Carolina. He offered a place in his house for me to stay and go to college when I graduate in a few months. This is a working miracle happening right before your eyes. I remember the list you made a long time ago, of things you wanna do or see before you die. And witnessing a miracle was one of them. And it's happening right now, and you don't even see it. You're so caught up in your life, you can't take 5 minutes to breathe and witness what's going on here. We haven't met once. For the year we've been dating. And now, I'll be seeing you in a little over a month. Time is getting so close, and I'm getting so eager and excited to see you, and hold you, and kiss you. I can't wait to hold your hand, and walk around town with you and show you off, and take you out on a date, and lay down with you in bed for hours non-stop. Every time I think about it, I get the biggest smile across my face. People will always ask me why I'm smiling. That's how noticeable it is. That's how excited I am.
And you can't even acknowledge it. Obviously, the fact we only have a month left, doesn't phase you. You're hurting me, our relationship, and most importantly, yourself. And all this could go away if you just trust me....trust me, and have faith in us. Swallow your pride when we fight, stay silent when I yell at you, listen when we talk. Come home from school and lay down and talk to me like you used too instead of getting online. It's the only way.....but you don't want too. You won't let it happen. You're creating a wall in between yourself and I, and I wanna knock it down so bad, but a relationship takes two people. I can't decide what you do, in the end.
I don't know what's going on. I don't know what our future has in store. I just know I wanna be with you, I wanna spend every waking moment with you, because this is love. We need space sometimes, sure. But....I love you. Every minute away from you is torture. That's not unhealthy, that's just my feelings for you. They're strong....very strong. And it hurts that you can't realize it...
I'm just praying that sometime soon....you'll see what you have. And by Spring Break, we'll be more then okay. And we'll make the best out of this experience that's to come.

Take a Bow

2009-10-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

8 months of my life wasted on someone I could care less about. I'm kinda angry, kinda disappointed that she wasn't as good as I thought she was. She can sit there all she wants and tell me how I was the one that messed things up, because I held another girl. Well, maybe if she wasn't such a horrible girlfriend, I would have stayed with her. She pushed me too much, and I reacted. I reacted in a way she never thought I would. I threatened her, and she never believed me.
Just goes to show I have more balls then she thinks. Now she wants to sit there and tell me that I don't have the balls to cut off all contact with her. I think that's just her being clingy and wanting to hear me say "I love you, I can't leave you"
But, guess what? I'm really close to just cutting off contact, really. I regret ever getting involved with her. She's just....not the girl I love, anymore. She changed a lot without realizing it. She thinks that she changed for the better....but, all she changed was how much she messes up. I don't believe in perfectionism, but I do believe in not hurting someone over and over again. She caused this, it's her fault. Not mine.

All my friends told me I could get better....and I found better. I just can't bring myself to go after her. It doesn't feel the same. I just don't wanna be involved in this drama, anymore. One minute she's making me happy, and I think about taking her back, and then the next minute she's posting her damn annoying pictures on Flickr. I swear, that girl has more friends over the internet then she does in real life. It makes me so angry, I regret ever forcing her into photography.
She's good, I'm not gonna lie, but she basically made it her life, and always posting these annoying self-portrait pictures. All of them I hate.

I think the biggest thing about her I hated the most, is how every time she messed up....which was very often, she would just say "Sorry". She was never sorry, she was just sorry she got caught. I told my friend Dustin that I hate her so much, I don't even want her to have a future. I want her to get hit by a bus.
She doesn't deserve to get married, have a good career, and have a family. She honestly doesn't..
I don't wanna see her happy. Sometimes, I just wanna see her suffer for my own self-amusement.
I don't know what kinda person that makes me, but after all the stuff she put me through, she deserves it. And I'm just waiting for it to happen.

I don't know what else to do, anymore.
I don't like her, my friends don't like her....but I can't kick her out of my life. Something is just...making me talk to her.
I don't mind it, I enjoy talking to her for the most part, I just wanna move on with my life.
I would love to date her...even after all these horrible, horrible things I just said about her. I would still date her. But I know her better then anyone. She says our relationship will change, but it won't. It'll go right back to how it was.
Her having fun making wrong decisions, and me being incredibly unhappy. Besides, she always kept me her little secret. Never told anyone we were dating. At least I told a few friends. She never did.
Every guy that would come along, she told them she's single.
What the hell? I hate her so much for doing stuff like that.
Even though she told me she changed...I know she didn't.
And she never will change, no matter how much she loves me and wants too.
I wonder what kinda guy will date her.....maybe a semi-good looking guy. Maybe have a few attractive talents...probably not all that smart...or presentable. Or romantic.
And he'll have sex with her...because of her incredibly unattractive low self-esteem.
But, whatever.
God help her....she needs it.

"But you put on quite a show, really had me going
But now it's time to go, curtains finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow"

No More Pain

2009-09-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

I finally did it. I've been following the Bible, and I've been cutting everything out of my life that brings me pain, and it's slowly going away, and I am very happy. Sure, in the moment, it hurts, but in the long run, it feels so good.
My chains are gone, and I've been set free. You don't really know how good freedom feels, until you've been held in captivity for so long. Now, I can finally start my Senior Year. I can focus on football games, dances, girls, and my future. I'm so excited, and I'm so glad this is finally all starting to come together.
You'd think I'd be sad, but I'm not. I know it's for the best for me, and everyone has to be a little stubborn every once in a while, and my time finally came. I was sick of being walked all over, and treated like an object.
In conclusion: Every little thing that causes pain in your life, cut it out. As soon as possible. You won't regret it.

This chorus was taken from a Jeremy Camp song, and is guarantee to give you hope.

"There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, we'll see Jesus face-to face."

John Chapter 15

2009-09-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I'm reading John Chapter 15 to help put me in a better mood, and to inspire me to do things.
The biggest verses that stood out were this:

Verse 16- You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that you should go and bring forth fruit, and that
Verse 17- These things I command you, that you love one another.
Verse 18- If the world hate you, you know that it hated me before it hated you.
Verse 19- If you were of the world, the world would love his own: but because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.

Skipping down to verse 27...
Verse 27: And you also shall bear witness, because you have been with me from the beginning.

This really helped me, because it's so inspirational and so true. If you're a true Christian, you obviously don't smoke or drink or anything, so you're not of this world. If you do anything against God's will, you're considered a part of the world. Since the world doesn't understand Christianity, they all hate you. You can always trust a brother or sister in Christ, but not someone you met that's of the world. They will all back stab you, break promises, hurt you in some kinda way, or just let you down. Stay out of the world, and it won't happen, trust me. John Chapter 15 states that If you were of the world, the world would love his own. And that's true. People who drink, naturally want to be with people who share the same interest to drink. Same with smoking, or any other sin. That's just common knowledge. Christians should stay with Christians, and sinners should all stay with sinners, so they can all burn in hell together. But, it's also a Christians job to help the sinner understand that it's wrong, and it's a Christians job to spread the gospel of Christ, hoping to give them faith in a new life, after this one. Most people are too ignorant to believe that's what we do, so they go around stating "All Christians wanna do is convert people" And yes, that's partly true, but we do it for a reason. Converting someone to Christianity isn't just to raise the numbers, it's to save the persons soul. It's hard for me to acknowledge that fact that some people are so lost in their sin, they're hopeless. All they wanna do is fit in, and have fun. Who says you can't have fun, while staying clean? I've been doing it for over 4 years, with no trouble. I understand some people have a harder time then others, especially people with low self esteem, but c'mon. You have to have faith that God is real, and he is coming back to this Earth to save the Believers, and to send the non-believers to hell, where they will burn for eternity.

I'll leave you with my favorite bible verse of all time: your fruit should remain: That whatsoever you shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it to you.

For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

New Music!

2009-09-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty stoked for all the new music that's going to be coming out this year!
First of all, Hawk Nelson's new album: Life, Life, Loud; Will be coming out September 22nd. If you never heard of that band, seriously, look them up. They're amazing. I've also recently been informed John Mayer's new album: Battle Studies; Will be coming out November 7th, so I'm also pretty excited for that, also. You can go onto Youtube and check out singles from these new albums being released:

Hawk Nelson - Life Life Loud

John Mayer: Who Says (I can't get stoned)

The full version of "Who Says" hasn't been released, yet. But I've heard a 30 second demo of the song, and it's amazing. Go look it up.

Also, if you haven't picked up Jason Mraz's newest album "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things" You might wanna consider it. I'm a huge Jason Mraz fan, and even though I've heard this album a billion times, I still recommend it. It's the ultimate remedy for happiness.

So hurry up and go check em' out!

Talents?

2009-08-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

People these days all act like their "Talents" are their life. It's almost pathetic.
Actually, no. It is pathetic. okay, I play instruments and I sing and stuff, and Yes...I can admit it's a huge part of my life, but I've been around it my whole life, and I actually wanna do something that involves music as a career.
I have a right to say it's my life.
People have no reason to act like it's their life if they just started, because you have never had to go through difficulties and troubles that time brings.
I don't like it when people brag or go on and on about their talent.
If it's not my talent, obviously I'm not gonna understand anything you talk about, but that's okay. You go ahead and ramble about it, while I act like I care. Really, it's okay.

I'm not mad at people. I think if you have your own talent, that's cool. Just...keep it to yourself and don't feel the need to spread it.
At that point it makes you look conceited.
I'm not gonna ramble on about this subject, I just needed to vent.

Caution: A Broken Road Lays Ahead

2009-08-29T14:01:00.001-07:00

Do you ever get the feeling that something horrible is just waiting for you a few steps down the road?
Well, that's how I'm feeling right now. And whenever I get feelings like this, they're usually always right, and that kinda scares me.
It's kinda like a deep gut feeling, while your heart is shouting "Take cover!" I just can't begin to describe it, but I'm sure all of you can tell where I'm coming from, right? Whenever I get feelings like this, it kinda makes me think more passionately about my life. I like to think about my goals, my future, my past...it all clusters together in a big cloud of life. I guess that part isn't normal, but hey, what's normal anyways? I tend to listen to music, read, or even clean my room to get my mind off of things. For the most part, it works, and I'm happy for that. But...it's kinda like alcohol. No matter how much you drink, when you're sober again, your problems are still staring you in the face, and they won't disappear until you attack the problem head on.
My first step: Find the problem.

Strong and Independent

2009-08-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

I really don't understand people. Sometimes when I think I do, I really don't.
I don't understand how some people could be so easy....so vulnerable, so simple to give into pressures. I just simply don't understand it.
My Dad always raised me to be a strong person. To not let people walk all over me, and I thank him for that.
I don't find it hard to stand up for the things I believe in, I really don't.
I don't find it hard to say no, when someone asks me a ridiculous request.
And, yes, I know not everyone is like me, I'm aware of this. But, really, it's not that hard to say no.
I believe if you truly love somebody, you'll do anything for them. Even if it means change.
But change is just not simple for some people. Some people are so stubborn, and they love the life they live so much, that they won't give it up for anyone. Not even someone they love.
Even when they know the life their living in, will only destroy them later on in life.
People these days are just so...hard-headed. And, Sure. Ask anyone, I'm a very hard-headed person, but not to the point were I refuse to change for someone I love. That's simple for me.
But, on the other hand, that's just the kind of person I am. I'm very loyal. Maybe even too loyal.
Maybe I should start acting like I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
I have too much pride, though. I believe I'm too intelligent to fall for things like that.
I honestly believe I'm too mature for high school. I never fall into drama, I never fight, I never start anything.
I have myself, and my group of friends to get me through high school, and that's it. And that's all I need, and that's all I want.
I don't worry about "making memories" by partying, or drinking. I have the rest of my life to make memories. Memories that will actually mean something to me, not some stupid party. I want to live a good, clean life. I wanna keep my mind open, and my imagination fresh. I wanna be the one who gives inspiration, not the one who needs it.
I don't know, maybe at this point I'm just rambling.
All I'm saying: Live a long, clean, fresh life. Stay strong, don't give into peer pressure, and always make sure to follow your heart. It might lead you somewhere you've never thought you'd end up.

Life, School and Church

2009-08-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

Jeeze, it feels like a while since I posted a blog. I recently got my new laptop, so it's been taking me a few days to upload all the music, pictures, firewalls, etc.

Anyways, life is going pretty steady right now. Or so it feels. My Uncle will be coming up this Wednesday (hopefully) So we can go back-to-school shopping, which I'm excited for. The thought of new clothes excites me, is that weird?
I'm not sure if I'm ready to start school, honestly. I thought I was, until I had to go inside my school yesterday to pick up my registration forms. Then reality hit me, and I noticed I don't really wanna go back. Even though it's my Senior year, and this year counts more then my whole school life. I'll be taking school seriously, while trying to balance my relationships with family and friends. I already made my mind up about school dances, this year. I haven't been to a school dance since I was in 6th grade. That's going to change. I'm gonna go to every school dance this year. Even if I'm sick and I have to drag myself out of bed. I'm going.

Ah, So, on another note, church has been pretty interesting. We've been having a huge move of God, and so many things are changing, I swear I'm getting whiplash. It's for a good cause, though. I believe religion is important in a persons life. It's always good to believe in a higher power, and to have faith and hope in a new life, and a new beginning.
My friend Josh will be coming over, tonight. Knowing us, we'll go rent a few of the worst movies you've ever seen, get a couple energy drinks, and chill for the night.
There's a church lock-in we're going too, tomorrow. I'm excited because my friend Erik is going to fix my new laptop. I can't seem to transfer my i-Tunes library, and that bothers me.

Well, enough of my rambling.
Until next time, Blogspot.

I'm Giving Up

2009-08-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

"Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be."

That quote is so true, and I think I'm gonna follow it.
Honestly, I'm sick of the way my life is right now. I seem to always be trying to make people happy, and satisfy them. I'm done with that, I could care less.
People do what they wanna do, and I have no effect over that.
I just have to keep the bad people out of my life, it's the only way.
It's not rude, it's not ignorant, it's just playing it smart.
Having people like that in your life is unhealthy, and I don't want that to be me.
I've simply given my best, and I guess it's not enough.
I can admit defeat, it's not hard for me. I'm not really a sore loser. Not as much as I'm hard headed.
And, honestly, I'm not gonna regret it one bit. I just gotta keep moving forward.
This is life. Even though I really wish I had an instructional manual, but it doesn't work like that.
I just wanna make sure I get a good education, a great paying job, and then I wanna find a wife, and start a family. I want that more then anything, and I'm not gonna let anything get in the way of that.
I'm not gonna let someone tell me what I can and cannot do.
I'm sick of those people. I'm sick of the people who crave attention and affection.
I'm sick of needy people.
I wanna get rid of them all.
I think it's only safe for me to hang around strong people. Like me.
They're the true inspiration.
And from now on, I think that's what I'm gonna do.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

2009-08-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I can't believe summer is almost over, and I have to go back home. I was starting to enjoy Indiana a lot. I mean, it's pretty peaceful most of the time, and it's beautiful at night. I'm not ready to go back home, because then I'd have to go back to reality. I think that's the worst for everybody. Nobody ever wants to go back to reality. We like the thought of being able to stay in a moderate place, away from all the troubles. At least, I do. When I go back, I'll have to unpack, and get ready to go school shopping. Which, isn't horrible. But, that just means school is getting closer. My Senior year, I'll have to make it count.

I really hate being the only guy in my immediate family, though.
I always have to be the one who packs and unpacks the car. Which, I'm not one to whine all the time, but when it's 90 degrees out, and my mother basically packs a portable bathroom, it's really exhausting work, sometimes.
The thing about visiting my Grandma is this: You always leave with more things you came with. But, I guess that's the basic rule of vacations, after all.
The car is going to be so crowded, I hate it.
Oh, well. I shouldn't complain, life is pretty good for me right now, I suppose.
Well, I better end this blog, and go get my stuff together for tomorrow morning.
I'll make sure to blog when I get things all settled in at home.

Life as I know it

2009-08-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

Ugh...So, I don't really have something important to blog about, but I'm in the mood to ramble, because I love writing.
My life as I know it, is either falling apart or coming together. As of right now, I'm not sure...

Whoa, Nicolette is calling, hold on. :]

Okay, anyways.
I don't really know what direction my life is heading. I'm kinda afraid of what my life has in store.
I mean, I know I'll always have people on Earth who care about me and love me, but that doesn't save me from the hardships I'll have to go through. I'm afraid of losing people, I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of many things. But, I guess as long as I have some inspiration and motivation involved in my life, anything can be possible.
After all, this is what life consists of.

Welcome to Blogspot

2009-08-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

So, I'm new to this whole "Blogspot" thing, and I'm not entirely sure, but I think I have the hang of it. I'll basically be posting my life on a basis in which I find comfortable. I'm not even sure when my real blog post will be, I'm just gonna go with the flow, and see where things take me.