It's hard for me to fall asleep on the phone with you....because I do it out of love, and you're doing it as friends. And it hurts..
I cried last night while you were sleeping on the phone. I was crying so hard, because of all those little noises and sighs you make when you take that last gasp of air before drifting off. It kills me to know one guy, one day, will get to hear those sounds. Those were my sounds...passing the lips I owned, coming from the girl that was mine. You were all mine.
I fell asleep on the phone with a different girl last night. I cried again. Quietly this time, I didn't want to worry her. But her laugh sounds just like yours...and every joke she said seems like a joke that would have been said by you. I can picture us laying down in bed...with your head rested on my chest, and my fingers twirling and playing with your hair, just laughing like we promised each other we'd do. But, it won't.
You get so bitter towards me when I try to talk it out with you...all you wanna do is drink and party. You've already danced with other guys. You moved on so fast, and I'm getting whiplash. I'm staying up all night crying, and sleeping in school through the day. Mostly dreaming of you.
My eyes would be red from crying, and black circles from the lack of rest I get from the night before. People would tell me I looked like I was dying....well, I am. I'm dying without you. Nothing feels right without you by my side. Nothing feels right without something to look forward too. You were everything I looked forward too. I remember the feeling of excitement I'd feel just to know I was coming home, and we'd have a date, to just lay in bed and talk to each other. You never know what you have until it's gone....but now, I just want things back. I'm so scared you'll never want me back. I'm so scared you'll find someone else. You already like another guy. Maybe more. Maybe you're just sparring my feelings, and hiding a lot from me. Maybe you already kissed a guy or held hands with him. I want to be your first with everything. I want to be your first with everything. But, you don't want it, anymore. You don't want me.
I'm praying this is just a phase. Kind of like the time I left you for another girl. It was just a phase. And you waited for me for over a month. And it's barely been a week with me, and I already feel dead on the inside. You took my heart with you, wherever my old girlfriend went. She has my heart. And she's not gonna give it back. I'm never gonna date again, unless I can have you. I will not get over this. This is not temporary. I feel like I just lost my wife whom I've been with for years. I feel like I came home from work, ready to take you out for a night on the town, only to find you packing your stuff. This just hurts so much.
I was reading your old writing. You have a blog of all the writing you did when I left you...I cried reading the whole thing. I read every post. There were posts calling me your boyfriend....so casually...like, it was instinct. And all the posts about how much you love me, and how you'll always be there for me, and you'll never hurt me, and we'll be together forever.
And I'm trying to keep this together for you. I don't want to come off as weak. But, I can't for much longer. I'm falling apart, and I need you back in my life.
Come back, baby, please....because, we belong together....
