I am nothing more than a whisper in the wind.
I have no importance, and I have no identity.
I take the weight of the world onto my shoulders, only for my knees to give out.
I have lost every person that meant something to me. And I will continue to lose people, because my life is nothing more than a never ending torment.
We spend our whole lives trying to find ourselves, and escape reality, but I am stuck in a cycle of disappointment.
I often times lay awake at night, wondering what my life would be like if I was someone else. I wonder what it’d be like if I wasn’t trapped in my own skin, if one day I woke up, to be someone of high importance, someone who always got miracles in their life.
I’ll never know. I’ll spend the rest of my life in wonder and curiosity.
I live and accept this life God granted me with.
Whether I like it or not, I am stuck in this skin. I am stuck having to see the world behind this pair of hazel eyes.
I am myself, and I couldn’t hate it any more.

"I love you very much. I think out of everyone I know. I love you the most. I care for you so much it hurts. You're on my mind from time to time. And little things throughout the day remind me of you. There isn't a day I won't think about you. But it's not like before. I'm not day dreaming about you.. I don't think I could do that.. It'd be weird.. I like talking to you and I love your company. Is till like laughing with you and being gay with you. I still love your singing. And your voice is still attractive to me. I still think you're super cute and smart and charming. But I couldn't share the romantic things we used to do anymore with you. Yet, I'd like to meet you and kiss you and hold you. I feel like I need to meet you in person. Because the romance is fading."

And that's that. We're done, we're over. We'll never be the same again. This hurts so much, but I need to get over you. I can't believe this is happening, I never in my life expected this to happen. I'm suffering from confusion and whiplash. And it's killing me. But, that's it.
I'm crying really hard right now. And this will be the last time I cry over you. This is it. These tears are my final goodbyes. I will not be lovey, I will not fall asleep with you on the phone, I will not watch movies with you, I will not ever talk to you again how I used to talk to you. It's done.
I'm thankful for the times I had with you. I'm thankful for you being my first love. I'm thankful for the good and bad times. I'm thankful for everything about you. Everything.
After this, I will pick back up the shattered pieces I have, and continue my life. A new chapter begins, tonight. I will do things I told myself I will never do. I will try things I've never done. I will find myself and escape the labyrinth.

Your new boyfriend better treat you right. He better hold you when you need him. He better sleep with you on the phone when you're scared. I know how much you like that.
He better call you babe and baby, and be extremely cute. He better support you and inspire you and lift your spirits when you're feeling down. This guy better play guitar or sing. I always day dreamed about playing the guitar for you quietly while you tried to sleep. I hope he does that for you. I want him to craddle you in his arms all night, and kiss the your forehead while you guys watch a movie, so you can start to drift. I want him to do EVERYTHING I'd ever do, for you. He better...

You just got my package, and I couldn't even stay on the phone with you. My tears are blocking my vision. I can barely type without making a mistake. These last tears are for you. They're all for you...
I hope one day, you'll find yourself. I hope one day you'll be happy with absolutely everything in your life. Every little problem you had when we were together, I hope you work out with yourself. I want you to grow up and get married, and have beautiful kids with the guy you love, and have a good job, and a amazing house. I want you to be close to your mom, and all your family. I want you to have a perfect life.

You will go out tonight. And you will drink. You will text me and try to be lovey, like you usually are. I will block your number without telling you. And we'll never talk again.
Tonight, I will attempt to go to a real party for once in my life. I will attempt to get drunk for the first time in my life. If it really cures depression like everyone says it does, I will find out. And it will be my best friend.

This is my final goodbye....I think I've said everything I wanted too. I love you so much. Please, don't ever forget me. Never forget my love for you. Never forget we were each others firsts...
I love you, angel..

Thank you, God.

I'm starting to feel a lot better. I don't think I'll break down, anymore.
We were talking over AIM last night, and you mentioned that we're not over. We're just going through something difficult. But, you said we'll never be finished, because we fit perfectly. I couldn't agree with you any more, and I've been waiting forever for you to say that to me. I really do have faith that we'll be okay. There's not a doubt in my mind that we won't be together. I know we will.
We're perfect for each other, and I know you realize it.

We were fixing each others' Valentines day boxes last night. I sent yours out today.
You wanted to draw something for me, so I let you go, and I went to go lay down and watch tv. You told me you'd call when you were finished. And, you did. But, unfortunately, I was asleep.
I awoke randomly around 5am, and text you apologizing, and letting you know that I wanted to fall asleep with you. 10 seconds later, you called me. At 5 in the morning. The first thing you said is "We still have two hours." Cutest thing ever....I love you so much...
I remember telling you how badly I wanted to stay on the phone with you on a school night, until we had to get out of bed. And we finally did last night. I woke up around 7am, to hear you snuggling in your sheets, and sighing slightly. So perfect..
I repeated your name over and over, hoping to wake you up, to tell you Good morning, and that I love you. But, you're so stubborn, you fell back asleep. It was cute, though.
I hung up with you, and continued my day.
I just got home from sending your package at the post office, and now I'm awaiting for you to get home. Maybe we can talk on the phone earlier. We'll see.

You just make me so happy.
You're my life.

Today was hard for me. Harder then yesterday, for sure. Because, now this is starting to hit me while I'm at school.
Last night was almost like heaven for me. I haven't heard your voice all day, and I finally got to hear you say some words. You fell asleep after your first sentence, but that's okay. Maybe I can get a paragraph out of you, tonight. I missed listening to you whisper because of you being so sleepy. It's the cutest thing to me. I was just smiling for a long time while I was on the phone with you. And then I finally drifted off to sleep. You woke me up around 4am, because you flipped over in your bed, and let out all these amazing little noises. It startled me. Then I remembered who I was with...who I was talking too...and it calmed all my nerves.
We haven't talked since last night. Barely texting...it's hard, because I'm so used to the feeling of excitement when expecting your texts around lunch time. I don't get them, anymore. There's no excitement these days.
School was hard... I missed you a lot. I often times found myself day dreaming about what you were doing, or what guy is on your mind, or who you're talking too, or even the plans you were planning, that you don't fill me in on, anymore.
I was depressed the whole morning. Then when lunch time came, Dustin wasn't at school to get my mind off of you. Dangerous Territory.
I was in line to get some chicken nuggets and some mashed potatoes. My favorite school lunch.
But, my hunger went away when I heard "Never Say Never" by The Fray, come on the radio while I was standing in line. Instantly I was reminiscing on our past memories from the summer.
I remember being so hot, I'd open my window, and let the cool summer breeze flow through, and fill up my room. I remember complaining to you how hot it was, and every time I told you I took my shirt off, you'd make some cute, flirty remark. Then, when you took your shirt off, I'd do the same for you. I remember laying in bed until 6am. There was no such thing as goodnight for us during the summer. Only good mornings. I remember talking to you in bed, while listening to the radio. You used to get a little angry and jealous and be like "Baby, please pay attention to me." And if I didn't, you'd pout. And when I asked you what was wrong, you'd reply "You're paying more attention to your stupid radio then your baby." And it was the cutest thing.
After that memory faded, I found out I had tears in my eyes. Oh, how the pain struck my heart.
I sat at the lunch table by myself, and picked at my food. I wasn't hungry, anymore.
I remember telling you about this girl who goes to my school who looks so much like you. Her name is also Nicky. It's ironic, right?
She was shooting me looks from the other table. Maybe out of curiosity because I was sitting by myself. Maybe because she thought I looked cute, today. Or maybe she just thought I was weird. Whatever the reason, it made me miss you more. I picture you looking at me like that.. but, in a cute way. In a "Babe, what are you doing?!" kinda way. Maybe the way you'd look the moment before I ran towards you, and slung you over my shoulder, playfully. Your eyes would be popped, because you were awaiting the moment.
That made my eyes water even more.
Disgusted, I threw away my lunch and went to Anatomy. Today, we went to the computer lab. I had to do a project about Nose Jobs. It's not due until Monday, so I ignored it. Out of curiosity, I checked to see if Tumblr worked. Surprisingly, it did. So, I spent most of my hour on there. Me, being stupid, decided to go to your account. Just to stare at that little picture of you in the corner. That little picture of this amazingly beautiful girl in a little dress and a scarf. With big eyes, magnificent lips, and hair more smooth and dark the a eerie midnight sky.
I teared up again. I exited it out, and played some children games for the rest of the hour. Anything to get my mind off of you.
This is killing me. My day has completely ruled over me. It's all about you, now.
And it always will..

As I walk through the hall, my mind blocks out the faces of every girl I ever thought was attractive. There's no such thing as being attractive, anymore. There's no such thing as "Another girl" There's just you. And it's always going to be....you.

So, maybe it's true. That I can't live without you.
And maybe two is better then one.
But, there's so much time to figure out the rest of my life.
And you've already got me coming undone.
And I'm thinking two is better then one.

What Happened?

I don't know what happened between us....we're done. And I can't accept that. I need you more then anything, I love you more then anyone, I just want you. I want all of you. But you don't want me, and that hurts more then anything. I finally understand the pain I put you through when I left you a few months ago. And I'm so sorry. I cry just thinking about it. This pain is unbearable. Every little thing you do or say makes me cry...and it's getting so bad, I just miss you so much..
It's hard for me to fall asleep on the phone with you....because I do it out of love, and you're doing it as friends. And it hurts..
I cried last night while you were sleeping on the phone. I was crying so hard, because of all those little noises and sighs you make when you take that last gasp of air before drifting off. It kills me to know one guy, one day, will get to hear those sounds. Those were my sounds...passing the lips I owned, coming from the girl that was mine. You were all mine.
I fell asleep on the phone with a different girl last night. I cried again. Quietly this time, I didn't want to worry her. But her laugh sounds just like yours...and every joke she said seems like a joke that would have been said by you. I can picture us laying down in bed...with your head rested on my chest, and my fingers twirling and playing with your hair, just laughing like we promised each other we'd do. But, it won't.
You get so bitter towards me when I try to talk it out with you...all you wanna do is drink and party. You've already danced with other guys. You moved on so fast, and I'm getting whiplash. I'm staying up all night crying, and sleeping in school through the day. Mostly dreaming of you.
My eyes would be red from crying, and black circles from the lack of rest I get from the night before. People would tell me I looked like I was dying....well, I am. I'm dying without you. Nothing feels right without you by my side. Nothing feels right without something to look forward too. You were everything I looked forward too. I remember the feeling of excitement I'd feel just to know I was coming home, and we'd have a date, to just lay in bed and talk to each other. You never know what you have until it's gone....but now, I just want things back. I'm so scared you'll never want me back. I'm so scared you'll find someone else. You already like another guy. Maybe more. Maybe you're just sparring my feelings, and hiding a lot from me. Maybe you already kissed a guy or held hands with him. I want to be your first with everything. I want to be your first with everything. But, you don't want it, anymore. You don't want me.
I'm praying this is just a phase. Kind of like the time I left you for another girl. It was just a phase. And you waited for me for over a month. And it's barely been a week with me, and I already feel dead on the inside. You took my heart with you, wherever my old girlfriend went. She has my heart. And she's not gonna give it back. I'm never gonna date again, unless I can have you. I will not get over this. This is not temporary. I feel like I just lost my wife whom I've been with for years. I feel like I came home from work, ready to take you out for a night on the town, only to find you packing your stuff. This just hurts so much.
I was reading your old writing. You have a blog of all the writing you did when I left you...I cried reading the whole thing. I read every post. There were posts calling me your boyfriend....so casually...like, it was instinct. And all the posts about how much you love me, and how you'll always be there for me, and you'll never hurt me, and we'll be together forever.
And I'm trying to keep this together for you. I don't want to come off as weak. But, I can't for much longer. I'm falling apart, and I need you back in my life.

Come back, baby, please....because, we belong together....

You hurt me a lot last night on the phone.
You had a friend over, and we haven't talked on the phone all day. You called me a couple times and I ignored you because I was watching a movie. Before I went to sleep, I text you and told you Goodnight, and that I loved you. You called me, and we talked for a few minutes. You forgot to tell me you love me on the phone...so I kept calling you and get a hold of you. You got mad at me, and called me clingy...that we weren't even dating anymore, so leave you alone because you're trying to sleep. You called me annoying, and you laughed at me for being so pathetic. Than you hung up on me and left me there to cry by myself all night.
I've.....rarely ever done that to you....and especially now, I can't ever think to do it to you...
We're in love, why do you need space? Why do you care if I'm clingy? Shouldn't two people who are in love like that? You treat me like we're an average couple doomed for breakup soon.
I know we're not...there's no way, it can't be. Why would you throw me away? Why would you throw our future away? So you can make memories? Because you're young and you wanna go out and have fun? You're basing your life the wrong way....you're not looking at it right...
You have the rest of your life to make memories and have fun....there's not much you can do when you're 15, anyways. There's more important things to deal with right now....and I don't know why you keep pushing me away....I would never do that to you....
It hurts so much. I'm not eating. I'm shutting everyone else around me out of my life. You're all that's interesting to me. I lost interest in everything else.
You used to be like this, too....you just recently changed....and this is a bad combination...
A young, Christian boy who is straight edge, lovey, clingy, and selfish..
With a young girl who barely believes in God, wants space, wants to drink and party and make memories with everyone else except me...
God, I just miss you so much, Nicolette...
I'll never forget coming home and laying in bed with you for hours just talking on the phone...laughing, making jokes at each other.
Those were the times I was comfortable to love. Now I'm just nervous, because you're slipping from me...and I'm trying everything I can to hold on...
Common sense tells me to let you go and find someone else, but my heart won't let you go. And my mind won't give me to opportunity to attempt to do so. Two against one.
I don't know what to do anymore....I know you're under stress, and lately you just wanna hang out with your family and friends....I don't know what the feeling feels like...
You don't understand..

My Dad died when I was 13. The age where I was interested in girls, and was wanting to go out and try different things...
His death led me into a depression, where I pushed everyone away...
And now, a few years later, it stayed with me.
When I find a girl who I trust...who I open up too.....I rely on her....she's apart of me..
And losing her brings tears to my eyes, because the pain of losing my Dad comes back...and I'm not good with losing people..
You've become so important to me. I would take a bullet for you. I would give everything I have to just hold you.
I'd sell my soul to the Devil just to spend the night with you.
You don't understand what I feel....because you're too busy and careless to talk about it....and it's eating me alive...

I just love you. And I'm willing to do ANYTHING to be with you.
I will not let this go to waste.

Honestly....I don't know what your problem is, anymore. You treat me like shit, I constantly feel like you use me, and you always act like you're too busy to spend time with me. Your life isn't that important....I know you're stressed, and I know you have family issues going around, but that's no excuse for how you're acting. I've never treated you like this....not once. I never refused to talk to you on the phone for a week because "I have things that I need to do" when really, you just sit on the computer all day. All you do is take pictures. I support you to an extent, but when you constantly push me back, in order to make time for Flickr and Tumblr, I lose so much respect for you. And it's sad....it's really sad, because I love you more then anything in this life. And no matter how many times you say you can, you just can't see it....you refuse to see it, and it hurts. A lot.

We've been together for a year....a year of constant struggle, jealousy, boy/girl issues, school, family troubles.....a year through all of that. We met. We fell in love. And now we're responsible for each other. My Uncle got offered a job in Connecticut 40 minutes from you, when he was all the way down in North Carolina. He offered a place in his house for me to stay and go to college when I graduate in a few months. This is a working miracle happening right before your eyes. I remember the list you made a long time ago, of things you wanna do or see before you die. And witnessing a miracle was one of them. And it's happening right now, and you don't even see it. You're so caught up in your life, you can't take 5 minutes to breathe and witness what's going on here. We haven't met once. For the year we've been dating. And now, I'll be seeing you in a little over a month. Time is getting so close, and I'm getting so eager and excited to see you, and hold you, and kiss you. I can't wait to hold your hand, and walk around town with you and show you off, and take you out on a date, and lay down with you in bed for hours non-stop. Every time I think about it, I get the biggest smile across my face. People will always ask me why I'm smiling. That's how noticeable it is. That's how excited I am.
And you can't even acknowledge it. Obviously, the fact we only have a month left, doesn't phase you. You're hurting me, our relationship, and most importantly, yourself. And all this could go away if you just trust me....trust me, and have faith in us. Swallow your pride when we fight, stay silent when I yell at you, listen when we talk. Come home from school and lay down and talk to me like you used too instead of getting online. It's the only way.....but you don't want too. You won't let it happen. You're creating a wall in between yourself and I, and I wanna knock it down so bad, but a relationship takes two people. I can't decide what you do, in the end.
I don't know what's going on. I don't know what our future has in store. I just know I wanna be with you, I wanna spend every waking moment with you, because this is love. We need space sometimes, sure. But....I love you. Every minute away from you is torture. That's not unhealthy, that's just my feelings for you. They're strong....very strong. And it hurts that you can't realize it...
I'm just praying that sometime soon....you'll see what you have. And by Spring Break, we'll be more then okay. And we'll make the best out of this experience that's to come.