You're right. I don't know what we were thinking trying to go into a relationship that's in high school. Sure, I'm aware our relationship is completely different as compared to an average relationship in high school, I mean, we're not dating out of lust. We're not dating each other because it's cool, or because we're looking for a hookup. If we were, we wouldn't be dating each other, let alone, in a long distance relationship. You made a comment today that really made me think. We want two completely different lifestyle choices. You're not the kind of girl who's willing to let go of her dreams to grasp a hold of love. Which, I'm not bashing you for, you have every reason to do that, you're young and you need to get your life together. But...we grow up, and go to college, then what? It's easy to have a relationship now, we're only in high school, we wake up, go through 8 hours of hell and come home to talk to each other, because, quite frankly, we're not old enough to have a real life. What happens when we are? I mean, you're a very smart girl. You're going to get accepted into a good college, and you're gonna start your life journey and get a dorm and get a job and make new friends in a new location doing God knows what. Now, I'm not saying I don't trust you, because I really do believe we could make it work if you were to do that. I mean, we made a year long relationship work without even seeing each other, we could probably do that. I don't know if I like that, though. I mean, I love you...more then anything. But, if you're allowed to go off and do what you want in life, then so should I. And having a girl who wants to go off and do her own thing isn't really my type, unfortunately. I have a vision of seeing my girlfriend all the time, maybe even having an apartment together or going to college together. Long distance is hard, I wasn't planning on keeping it that way for very much longer. I've never had a girlfriend in which I could kiss her everyday and hang out with her all the time, and that's what I want more then anything. If you're too busy going off and fulfilling your life, then there's no time for that. And I want a girl who is going to make time for it. I'm really scared and nervous and pissed off at the fact there's two perfectly healthy, loving kids who just wanna be together but can't under complicated circumstances. It sucks, but it's a part of life that some people are mis-fortunate enough to encounter. I guess I'm just rambling, I should really enjoy what we have now and just go with it and face the problems head-on once we arrive at that destination of life. I tend to think too much, therefore I over analyze everything resulting in a disaster of thoughts.

Surprisingly, everything turned out just fine.
I'm glad things with Kati didn't work out. Honestly, I think my lust for her was blinding what truly matters.
What was I thinking? I'm not looking for a hookup, I'm looking for a girl who I can trust, and I girl who I love being around 24/7. Nicolette was that girl, she always has been, and she always will be.
I'm excited to see her this week. I'm nervous, but that's natural.
I'm going to work really hard trying to make EVERYTHING with her as perfect as it can.
I will not let her go.
I just pray this week turns out as expected.

Is it so hard to just ask for a good life?
Why do bad things always get set off? Everything around me constantly crumbles and shatters into pure nothing.
This life sucks, it’s not worth it.
This world has nothing good to offer.
People cheat, lie, back stab, and they break promises.
But, more importantly, they let you down.
They see you falling, and they pull their arms away, so they can laugh at your pain as your body breaks your fall.
They watch you cry, and they tease you. They watch you unleash anger, and get scared. They see you grow, they see you die. Eyes are always watching, constantly in a crowd of agony.
This life is nothing to me. The people here are nothing to me. Nothing but past and future memories that will slowly slip from my grasp as time catches up to me.
I am nothing.
A big mess of nothing.

Hm... I think I'm done with you.
You got really drunk last night and then the next morning you told me you loved me and wanted to work things out. Later on, you went back to normal, and that's that. I called it, and that's why I hate you, and that's why I'm so bitter towards you.
You're worthless, you're shit to me. I don't ever wanna get close to you again.
I'm not coming to see you in Spring Break, I just lie to you when you ask, because that'd be awkward. I'm slowly trying to kick you out of my life, I wanna pretend as if you never existed. I wanna pretend there is no girl as good as you out there.
I've been going on dates with this girl Kati. I really like it, but it's so hard to even try to ask her out, because I still want you. But, you're not good for me...I just need to get over you.

While you were out getting drunk, Kati and I were cuddling on her couch, watching movies, with an ordered pizza, because her parents were out of town.
She tried to kiss me....she was kissing my neck...
I just couldn't....I felt bad turning her down. It didn't seem like she cared all too much. She knows about you...she knows I'm still hurt from what you did. She talks trash about you a lot...
Sometimes I join in, sometimes I defend you..
I don't know where I'm going with this.
I love you, but I wish you were how you used to be. You used to blow off plans just to spend time with me...that's the kinda stuff we need to do. But we both got lives, and this got impossible.
You're impossible.
I'll try moving on..

Wow, funny thing happened.
So, I met this girl named Elaina, and she's just like Nicolette's twin, I swear.
Tan skin, black hair, extremely cute, nice, funny, smart....everything.
I'm excited to get to know her better, she's such a sweetheart. I really hope things between us work out.
But, on the other hand, a part of me desperately wants Nicolette back. I'm still in love with her, I know. And it won't feel right dating another girl.
But, there's nothing I can do. It's almost been a month. She's not cracking, she's a strong girl. She's moving on...so I need to try to do it, too.

I'm going out with Elaina in about an hour.
We're going to go swimming and play putt-putt and stuff like that.
Things I used to dream of doing with Nicolette.
I hope everything really works itself out.

Until later, Blogspot.

What now?

I desperately need to move on, this is getting really pathetic on my part.
Which is funny, because I've always been one to have a lot of pride. So, you'd think I would have left a long time ago.
I think I need too, soon. I just don't know how? I think I've tried a lot of things already. I might make a list of things to attempt, and just try each one individually and see if any of them work.

I don't wanna be in love, anymore. Besides the fact I always feel vulnerable and awkward because I'm the only one with the feelings like that. And now, I feel I'm just bugging her at this point. That's the last thing I want.

Ugh, why does this have to be so hard and confusing? I don't know what to do, now.
Do I just stand aside and wait till we meet, and just hope for the best? If I do that, she's just gonna go out and do shit. She'll get over me, soon. I give it two more weeks.

People say that everyone has a twin somewhere on this earth. Someone who looks and acts like you. I wanna find that twin of hers.
Maybe she'll be better.

Forget This.

What the hell is your problem you stupid slut?
You think it's okay to just date a guy for a year, fall in love with him, then break up with him out of nowhere on Valentines Day, and that's it? Nothing is left?
You go out, you party, you dance, you drink, and now you're hanging out with guys and almost getting kissed.
Yeah, must be nice, asshole.
Don't mind me, I'm just a mess over here, using all my strength just not to think of you.
I wanna fucking kill you, you piss me off so much.
You're a heartless bitch.
I hope you enjoy all these guys you're getting. One must not have been good enough for you.

Why do I keep going back to you? You're not gonna date me again. You're never going to have feelings for me. Don't sit there and say "Yeah, well, anything can happen." Because I'm not stupid. I'm not.
I know I'm not good with relationships, but I'm not completely clueless with them.
I know when I'm being taken for granted. And it's a horrible feeling.
Isn't it enough that you broke me as a person? But now you have all this shit on top of it to make me feel even worse. Give me a reason why I should waste my time and go see you? Give me a reason.
Because, how I see it, this is how it's going to go.

1. We'll meet, and I'll think you look amazing, and you were worth everything. While you would think "Eh, he's okay. Not what I expected."

2. I'd take you out to dinner and we'd hang out, and I'd be having the time of my life, because the wait was so worth it. Meanwhile, you'd probably be praying for time to go by faster.

3. At the end of the day, I'd be lucky to get a kiss on the cheek. But I'd still be happy. Because I met you.
Later that night, you'd tell me you wanna be friends. And that'll be that. My Spring Break would be ruined.


That's how it's gonna go. I know it.
Just admit it, you're better. You're prettier, you're more talented, you deserve better.
Yes, I know. I'm not stupid. I knew this from the start. Do you understand why I thought I was lucky? Because I had somebody I would normally not be able to get. And this hurts. This is killing me.
I try to ignore you, I try to get over you.
But it doesn't. Fucking. Work.
What do I have to do? Do I have to kill myself just to relieve the pain?
Do I have to go out and be a man-whore and party and make out with as many drunk girls as I can, to get my mind off of you? Tell me what to do, because I seriously have no clue. And this is getting ridiculous.

Gotta' Let It Burn.

This will never feel right with me. And it will never feel right until you're back where you belong.
I know this is coming to an end, and it's better for me to let go now, then hold on and hurt us both.
But, this is coming from my heart. I love you. I really do, and of course you know that. Of course it's not awkward, we've done this for a year. It's different this time. This is the first time we've broken up without you shedding a tear. This is the longest we've been apart since I left you.

I know I hurt you....I hurt you so bad. I can barely remember what exactly you went through, and what exactly I said to you. My mind was on other things. But, God...I cry just thinking about the pain you must have gone through. I held another girl. I held her hand, and shared memories with her. Something that you're not even doing....I've done worse to you.
But, after I came back to you, I promised myself I'd never leave you for good. And that's a promise I still hold today. You're the one who left....not me.
And I know you don't care. I know you're not affected by it. Things within you changed. Romance faded, and your heart is different.

I'm afraid to lose you to someone else. I hate the thought of someone else having you, except me. You don't understand how special you are....how amazing you are. I'd be jealous to know another guy has you. You're too good to give up. And I'll fight any guy that tries taking you from me.
I know this is your decision....I'm still over-protective with you. It's not healthy.

I just wish...God answered this one prayer of mine. Growing up and praying, he rarely ever answered my prayers...I lose hope a lot. But, if God were to answer ANY prayer I've ever prayed, it'd be this one. I want you...so bad....
I miss you....so much....
I just...I feel lost without you. I don't know what to do without you. I often times find myself just sitting here looking at my screen. Those would have been the times we'd be cuddling in bed together. Now that it's gone... I have nothing. No hope, no happiness, nothing. Just depression. I know that's pathetic, but I guess that's what happens when you lose the person you're in love with.

I don't know.... I just hope something might change. I want you. I need you. Without you, I don't know who I am. And that's the God honest truth.

I'll continue to pray.
That's the only option I have left.

I am nothing more than a whisper in the wind.
I have no importance, and I have no identity.
I take the weight of the world onto my shoulders, only for my knees to give out.
I have lost every person that meant something to me. And I will continue to lose people, because my life is nothing more than a never ending torment.
We spend our whole lives trying to find ourselves, and escape reality, but I am stuck in a cycle of disappointment.
I often times lay awake at night, wondering what my life would be like if I was someone else. I wonder what it’d be like if I wasn’t trapped in my own skin, if one day I woke up, to be someone of high importance, someone who always got miracles in their life.
I’ll never know. I’ll spend the rest of my life in wonder and curiosity.
I live and accept this life God granted me with.
Whether I like it or not, I am stuck in this skin. I am stuck having to see the world behind this pair of hazel eyes.
I am myself, and I couldn’t hate it any more.

"I love you very much. I think out of everyone I know. I love you the most. I care for you so much it hurts. You're on my mind from time to time. And little things throughout the day remind me of you. There isn't a day I won't think about you. But it's not like before. I'm not day dreaming about you.. I don't think I could do that.. It'd be weird.. I like talking to you and I love your company. Is till like laughing with you and being gay with you. I still love your singing. And your voice is still attractive to me. I still think you're super cute and smart and charming. But I couldn't share the romantic things we used to do anymore with you. Yet, I'd like to meet you and kiss you and hold you. I feel like I need to meet you in person. Because the romance is fading."

And that's that. We're done, we're over. We'll never be the same again. This hurts so much, but I need to get over you. I can't believe this is happening, I never in my life expected this to happen. I'm suffering from confusion and whiplash. And it's killing me. But, that's it.
I'm crying really hard right now. And this will be the last time I cry over you. This is it. These tears are my final goodbyes. I will not be lovey, I will not fall asleep with you on the phone, I will not watch movies with you, I will not ever talk to you again how I used to talk to you. It's done.
I'm thankful for the times I had with you. I'm thankful for you being my first love. I'm thankful for the good and bad times. I'm thankful for everything about you. Everything.
After this, I will pick back up the shattered pieces I have, and continue my life. A new chapter begins, tonight. I will do things I told myself I will never do. I will try things I've never done. I will find myself and escape the labyrinth.

Your new boyfriend better treat you right. He better hold you when you need him. He better sleep with you on the phone when you're scared. I know how much you like that.
He better call you babe and baby, and be extremely cute. He better support you and inspire you and lift your spirits when you're feeling down. This guy better play guitar or sing. I always day dreamed about playing the guitar for you quietly while you tried to sleep. I hope he does that for you. I want him to craddle you in his arms all night, and kiss the your forehead while you guys watch a movie, so you can start to drift. I want him to do EVERYTHING I'd ever do, for you. He better...

You just got my package, and I couldn't even stay on the phone with you. My tears are blocking my vision. I can barely type without making a mistake. These last tears are for you. They're all for you...
I hope one day, you'll find yourself. I hope one day you'll be happy with absolutely everything in your life. Every little problem you had when we were together, I hope you work out with yourself. I want you to grow up and get married, and have beautiful kids with the guy you love, and have a good job, and a amazing house. I want you to be close to your mom, and all your family. I want you to have a perfect life.

You will go out tonight. And you will drink. You will text me and try to be lovey, like you usually are. I will block your number without telling you. And we'll never talk again.
Tonight, I will attempt to go to a real party for once in my life. I will attempt to get drunk for the first time in my life. If it really cures depression like everyone says it does, I will find out. And it will be my best friend.

This is my final goodbye....I think I've said everything I wanted too. I love you so much. Please, don't ever forget me. Never forget my love for you. Never forget we were each others firsts...
I love you, angel..